Ash vs. Evil Dead (He’s back baby!)

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Remember when film makers weren’t just sitting around masturbating and they were actually trying to entertain us and let the audience have some fun? Oh, you were born in the late 1990s? I’m sorry. But at least you can enjoy “Ash vs. Evil Dead!”

With stars like Bruce Campbell and Lucy Lawless appearing in this new series from Stars, you can bet your sweet ass this boomstick is full of shells. Boom? Yeah boom! It’s a boomstick full of it baby! Did I plug this enough yet? Can I get my shill money? Raimi? You there? No, I seriously love this new show. If you missed it on Halloween night do yourself a favor, and give it a chance. Like that time you tried anal; but a lot more rewarding.

 

We here at Bloodywhisper.com cannot condone or endorse trying anal intercourse. We don’t judge here. We just sit and give you that “I know what you did” stare that your Aunt Matilda perfected last Christmas.

 

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And then I said, “Rectum? Damn near killed him!”

The pilot episode,  titled “El Jefe” was directed by none other than Sam Raimi. Every action packed, gorefest second gushes with his style.

The more important thing to note though, is that this show is bringing the thing that has been missing in recent years. FUN! That’s right, it’s as fun as duct-taping summer sausages to your legs and running through the homeless camps that have been springing up across the country as the economy continues to take a slow thick turd on the populace. The hobos will probably barely even notice you as you giggle in excitement, failing to realize you just ran out into traffic. Oops.

And for all the kids who missed the films that spawned this unholy abomination. You may want to borrow your dad’s laser disc player and check out “The Evil Dead,” “Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn” and “Army of Darkness.”

Don’t worry we won’t tell. It’s not your fault you were born in the wrong time and missed out on pretty much everything worth being alive for.

Oh but you say, “What makes it so fun Mr. smarty guy?” Well I’ll tell you what makes it so fun! (Warning spoilers are ahead.) Veterans to the “Evil Dead” franchise will immediately notice Sam Raimi’s filming ninja moves. As well as the score that has been crafted by Joseph LoDuca, the guy who made the ear candy for the original films that your dad watched when he was your age.

That’s right! You’re watching your dad’s Evil Dead now! But you’re not your dad, and this isn’t 1987. So hold onto your asses, ass holders! Because the special effects (FX for you noobs) are mostly practical. And there are a metric fuckload of them in the pilot alone!

This isn’t The Walking Dead where the characters wax and wane for 25 minutes and they throw zombie nuggets at the viewer to keep them awake.It’s shit your dad watched in the 80s, but it’s in… wait. What the hell do we call the after two thousands? The aughts? The zeros? The post reality TV years? Whatever. Never mind that, back to the body count!

We have a death toll of around seven. That’s seven decapitations, impalings, heads being twisted backwards, then the body gets up and gos gos gos! Oh and there is a rapid bottle stabbing sequence and a head to a dinner fork. It’s just a cornucopia of gore and mayhem that’d make the most pretentious hipster run away in terror.

 

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I think I just got some blood in my eyes!

What’s that? You say you prefer practical FX but aren’t supporting this show yet?

Then you need to take a moment to look around the smug little coffee shop you’re reading this in. Stand up out of that chair. And swiftly punch yourself in your genitals. I don’t take any pleasure in what you have to do. You need this to make you a better person. Don’t worry no one else will notice. They’re all too busy writing about themselves on FaceBook to realize someone is making a solid life choice nearby.

Now scrape yourself up off that floor, and scuttle over to the nearest viewing receptacle!

 

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Hail to the king, baby.

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