Freaks of Nature: Vampires vs. Zombies vs. Aliens

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“Freaks of Nature” (2015) is a comedy horror film that throws everything, including the kitchen sink, into the mix. It’s zombies vs. vampires vs. aliens in a sub-par horror comedy of totally non-epic proportions. Aliens are invading Dillford and it’s up to humans, zombies and vampires to stop them.

Directed by Robbie Pickering. Written by Oren Uziel. Starring Nicholas Braun, Mackenzie Davis, Josh Fadem, Joan Cusack, Bob Odenkirk, Keegan-Michael Key, Ed Westwick, Patton Oswalt, Vanessa Hudgens and Denis Leary.

 

Welcome to Dillford,  Home of the Riblet Factory! (No, not McRiblets. The other generic kind that doesn’t require purchasing a trade mark license to use in a movie.)

The movie starts out with two people being chased and attacked by zombies and vampires, at the same time. That has to really suck. (Heh. Vampires. Suck…What? I could’ve said that it bites and made a zombie joke, but zombie jokes are a dime a dozen nowadays.) Just when it looks like it can’t get any worse (I mean, an outbreak of zombies AND vampires is pretty bad), aliens show up. ALIENS!

 

I wonder if the aliens can be turned into zombies or vampires? Shoot, all that is missing now are werewolves, Creatures from the Black Lagoon and Frankensteins.

 

Vampires have taken over the town- even the high school is run by them- even the principle Mr. Keller is a freaking blood sucker!

Since vampires are so in this year, they are throwing vamp parties. I guess they serve Bloody Mary’s at those things? What? Too soon? No? OK, cool.

 

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Dag is talking to his friend Parminder about a girl he likes, Lorelei, who ignores him as she passes by and in another part of the school Petra is talking to vamp asking her about the vamp party she’s going to that night. Because all the cool kids become vampires or something. Dumb kids. Who wants to be a teenager forever? Oh right…that sparkly guy from “Twilight.” Ugh.

So Dag is some guy that likes this chick that totally ignores him (cliché) and is an awesome baseball pitcher he’s so good that he hits the star player, Ned, and knocks him out with a baseball. Oops. Oh, and his parents are totally invested in helping his school team win and junk.

Anyways team zombie hangs out at one part of town, and team vampire hangs out at the trailer park when they’re not running the school and whatever else it is that they do there. Because honestly, who cares? This movie is gonzo.

Ned is eating with his family and being berated because apparently all he had was his body and I guess Dag did such a number on him that he can’t play anymore? Or something? Whatever. So he runs away from home. Boo hoo.

I guess Dag is so bored and lame that he does drugs, and then there’s the prerequisite don’t do drugs kids scene with his parents, because that is what this movie really needs…

 

(Wait. I thought that whoever came up with the idea of aliens vs. zombies vs. vampires vs. werewolves vs. Creatures from the Black Lagoon was high when they wrote the script… Hmmm…)

 

Anyhoo, poor sad Ned convinces a zombie to bite him by telling her that his brain is in his foot (I’m not making this up), while Petra, another main character that went to the vampire party, is bitten by Milan the vampire (Milan? How cliché) and is turned into a vampire.

 

But who is going to turn Dag into an alien?! Or is he already an alien? Dun dun duuun!

 

A large UFO appears that covers all the town and shines a light in the places where Dag, Petra and Ned are (“Fire in the Sky” anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? No? Damn you kids need to watch some alien movies. What’s wrong with you? It’s a classic!), and they are invading and using robots to collect people like in “War of the Worlds.” (Please tell me you’ve at least seen that one. There’s like 5 versions of it. The Tom Cruise one is pretty darn good by the way. I recommend that you watch it if you haven’t. It has some pretty grisly human harvesting sequences in it.)

The vampires blame the humans, the zombies just want to eat brains, and no one cares about Dag, because he can’t even play baseball right.

 

Things happen, there’s some jokes about being eaten by zombies and not passing out from the pain (now that bites! Ha! I put that joke in anyways. Deal with it.) And another joke about aliens not being able to see people who are naked, because tee hee penis. I guess…

 

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Anyways, none of the lead characters have any redeeming qualities or interesting things about them that would make you care if they lived or died, so it’s not like you’ll get emotionally invested in them before the aliens attack. Which is kind of sad really. If “Dead Before Dawn” (another great quality horror comedy with Zemons, that’s zombie demons like from the [REC] series) can make personable characters that you can come to care about, even the hipster guy that sells shitty hand-made mugs and wears a dorky hat has redeemable qualities about him, than any movie can.

So yeah, people start dying, and it is revealed that the aliens have invaded the town because they want a sandwich. Not just any sandwich, a riblets sandwich from the Dillford factory. Apparently Ned somehow figures out that they need the tetrafluoraxipan that is put in the riblet meat as it is over-processed in the factory. Yum!

Aliens start randomly teleporting people to different places in the town, because reasons… and people fight blah blah blah, and somehow Ned manages to wrangle all them together and convince the zombies and vampires and humans to work together to stop the aliens. Awwww.

 

It’s funny how the main character always knows what people did to help him fight the aliens, even when he has no idea what other people are doing elsewhere in the town. Almost like he’s omniscient, or the scriptwriter was too lazy to deal with that plot point.

 

 

Some hacker kids from school do a DDoS attack on the aliens, because EVERYONE uses the internet, duh! And Dag, Ned and Petra go with the zombies, vampires and humans to fight the aliens at the riblet factory. Mmmm…. highly processed meat.

For some reasons the aliens look like sperm. Because tee hee penis.

So yeah, the aliens get the chemicals they were after, and then attack people. Randomly during the fight they discover that ammonia is their weakness. (Ammonia is used to pasteurize meat, and make the pink stuff, you know the filler they put in riblets and other highly processed meats that is basically broken down animal parts that we normally wouldn’t eat but now we do because yay, junk food! Waste not, want not! Am I right?)

Oh, another random thing happens here, and Dag suddenly becomes a werewolf. I guess if you eat too many riblets it curses you and you become a wolfman, because it’s not explained and was never hinted that he was one before this happens. Best script ever…NOT!

 

 

Stuff happens, douche bag vampires die, and the aliens are driven off planet because teamwork and love and werewolves! Yay!

 

Dillford becomes home of the all vegan veggie riblet, and the kids pair off into romantic couples the end. Seriously. That’s it. That’s the entire plot of the movie. If you’re into penis/sperm/potty humor jokes, shallow, lame characters and plot points that make absolutely no sense and come out of freaking nowhere, this movie is for you.

If you’re not, go watch “Dead Before Dawn” and enjoy a good cheesy horror comedy. Hell, they even do the romance better than this one. And that is just sad…

 

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About Weird Musician

Weird Musician makes Let's Play videos of retro and indie video games, as well as Band and Music reviews for his Vidme Channel, which you can find here: https://vid.me/Weirdmusician Stop on by his channel and say hi!
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3 Comments

  1. I was wondering about this one. Since the flick was originally titled Kitchen Sink, I was thinking it might encompass too many horror elements.

  2. What is tetrafluoraxipan?

    • It’s a chemical additive they made up for the movie (i.e. it’s not real). They put in the rib meat as it is processed in the factory. Supposedly it makes the over-processed meat taste better?

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