So, you’ve reached that point in your life when the apartment is just not cutting it and you think you want a house. But, what do you buy? What are the things you should look out for when you consider a house? Are there potential problems with the house that you are looking at? As a service, I have been asked by Bloody Whisper to give some guidelines about pitfalls in choosing a house.

OK, I wasn’t asked and if Cassie finds out that I got this article in under her nose, there will be hell to pay. So, what I write here is just between us. Go it? Good!

Warning Signs that the House is Not For You

Let’s start with some of the obvious warning signs that a house is not for you. The first and easiest question to answer is “Are the Walls Bleeding?”

As we have seen in many a movie blood dripping from the walls is a sign that someone or, more likely, something doesn’t want you there. If, while the blood is oozing from the plaster, a voice accompanies it with the words “Get Out!”, that should clinch your need to run from the house like your butt is on fire.

Your butt being on fire mysteriously is also a good sign that it’s time to leave.

Four bedrooms; two bathrooms; one angry ghost

Remember “The Amityville Horror?” Here is a case where the people were told to leave and they didn’t. In the end, it cost the owner cash for a wedding reception and almost a one way trip to Hell. The only smart one in the movie was the dog.

Having a dog as an adviser is a good idea.

No bleeding walls? No voices? Great! Let’s move on.

Does the house have a basement, or is it on a slab? Do you think they say “Don’t Look in the Basement” without good cause?

Basements are bad news! Look at “Deadly Eyes.” The rats came into the house by the basement and not only ate the baby, but also killed the sitter. And that is just the tip of the iceberg! Look at H.P. Lovecraft’s “Pickman’s Model”; creatures from the depths of the Earth, coming and going at all hours to pose for portraits, finally turn on the artist. Ray Bradbury had the cautionary tale about things that grow in dark places titled “Boys! Now You Can Grow Giant Mushrooms in Your Basement.”

Honey! Throw another steak on the grill!

And what about vampires?

Have you checked to see if there is a coffin in the basement of this house? Was that a bat that just flew past you in the dining room? They may not like having neighbors living on other floors. At best, you could become a vampire like them. At worst, you could become like Edward and sparkle all the time. Who would want that?

Vampires may not be the only thing down there.

Serial killers use basements as a burial ground. Does the concrete floor in the basement look new? John Wayne Gacy buried most of his victims in the basement and when that was full, he started burying them in the garden.

Are there any unexplainable dead spots on the lawn that could be about the length of a body? Is there more than one?

Even the most light-hearted serial killers, like the Brewster sisters in “Arsenic and Old Lace” use the basement as a graveyard. Their brother Teddy, thought he was burying malaria victims.

Remember that serial killers like to visit their trophies. You could have “Your Next” written on your forehead.

With all this in mind, look for a house that is built on a concrete slab. No basement; no problems; no sparkles! And avoid crawlspaces, as well. They are just as bad.

Attics in houses cut both ways. Maybe cut is not the best word…

In “Black Christmas”, the serial killer lived up in the attic and took his victims up there to hide the bodies. He went unseen through the whole film. Even someone who is harmless like Eugene in “Housebound” can live in a house, unnoticed for decades. The truly dangerous ones, like “Bad Ronald” can be found too late to prevent mayhem and property damage. Most homeowner’s insurance policies do not cover this!

On the plus side, an attic can be the perfect place to hide during a Zombie Apocalypse.

In the remake of “Night of the Living Dead,” Harry Cooper found the folding stairs to the attic and hid there until everyone else in the house was dead, undead or gone, and only came out when the militia arrived. He was a survivor. Well, a temporary survivor, as Barbara shot him in the head when she found that Ben had become a zombie. That was the only flaw in Harry’s plan. But… it did work for a while.

This also brings out the point that a rancher during a Zombie Apocalypse is a death trap. A two-story colonial or a split level is better as you have an upstairs to run to, or to shoot zombies from. Keep that in mind when looking at a house.

Down Town, City or Country House?

Of course, a house in the suburbs is better than one in the city. If you don’t believe me, ask the people of Tokyo, who have been under Godzilla’s feet for years. Rarely do giant monster destroy the suburbs. They seem more attracted to skyscrapers than to row houses.

This logic does fall apart in the case of invasions by extraterrestrials.

“The Monsters are Due on Maple Street” from “The Twilight Zone” does take place in Smalltown, USA. In that case, suburban paranoia was used against the people on Maple Street, with terrible results. And don’t forget, the Zombie Apocalypse happens everywhere. The undead will march down any street they can find. You only need to watch one episode of “The Walking Dead” to realize that. Though, it may be of little comfort to know that your lawn will be well cared for during this time, which many have noted while watching “The Walking Dead.”

Invasions can take any form. Be vigilant.

Is there any water on the property?

Adjacent lakes and ponds are a hotbed for creatures and fish that could make a meal out of any resident of the house. Looking at documentaries like “Zombeavers” and “Snakefish Terror”, you can see the danger. Ocean front property is worse as larger creatures, like those in “Grabbers” could not only eat your loved ones, but destroy your house while they are dining. (As I pointed out earlier, this is not covered by homeowner’s insurance!)

And let’s not forget the Love Factor.

We saw in “Humanoids from the Deep” and “Creature from the Black Lagoon” how  interested creatures can be in your wife and daughters. Have you any idea how much it will cost to put a Humanoid through college? Do you really want that financial burden?

Great! Another mouth to feed!

Consideration of all these things should go into the purchase of a house. If you are going to live somewhere, you and your loved ones should be as safe as possible. We here at Bloody Whisper hope that these guidelines will make your life in the future better than it is today.

Ernie Fink has sold a number of items on eBay, but to this day, has never sold real estate. Frankly, he is not even qualified to sell a house, as he has no real estate license, nor any affiliation with a real estate broker. We at Bloody Whisper have no idea why we even keep him around, as we have found over the last months that his grip of reality has, for lack of a better word, slipped. Is there a doctor in the house?