Idiot Hookers, Rejoice! Scream Queens Season 2 Episode 1!

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Scream Queens Season 2 Episode 1: “Scream Again”

Halloween 1985.  Our Lady Of Perpetual Suffering Hospital

At the hospital, staff members in costume gyrate to eerie music while the patient alarm at the nurses station goes unheeded. A distraught pregnant wife grabs a nurse dressed like a witch and explains that her husband Bill is not doing too well. The nurse politely explains that this Halloween and only partying happens on this night! She reluctantly goes in search of a doctor, accompanied by the anguished wife.

“My husband has COPD. He can’t breathe!”

“Are you sure he’s not just dressed up as a dude with COPD?”

They regrettably encounter Dr. Mike, who is using a mortar and pestle to create quaaludes while dressed as a green horned Swamp Monster with a billowing cape. Underneath the frightening mask, he’s a lazy imbecile. After consuming the narcotics he made, he agrees to help Bill. After determining that the patient’s lungs are filling with fluid, Mike decides to wait till morning to operate so he can return to the party.

Under persuasion, Dr. Mike finally agrees to do it now. Or does he?

After administering a sedative and sending the wife away, Mike and the shallow nurse wheel poor Bill outside and dump his body into the luminous toxic sludge of a swamp bordering the hospital. As they wheel Bill into the marshes, the nurse tells Mike that during her childhood, she was told tales of the Green Meanie, a creature who lived in the murky waters. In order to prevent malpractice suits, Mike disposed of Bill in the swamp.

No body, no evidence. No lawsuit. Right?

The nurse convinces Mike to lose his green costume, as well, in case someone saw them coming out here. He removes it and tosses it into the bubbling water on top of Bill’s sinking body.

Present Day

Cathy Munsch is famous. She’s been on Time magazine, and is now the Chief of Staff at C.U.R.E., a new specialized hospital dedicated to finding hope for patients with bizarre and incurable diseases. We meet Cathy’s two superstar doctors, Brock Holt and Cassidey Cascade.

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Cathy Munsch (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Dr. Cassidy Cascade (Taylor Lautner)

 

Their first patient is Katherine, a young woman with hypertrichosis aka Werewolf Syndrome. She’s got hair all over, particularly on her face. Holt is fascinated by her soft hair.

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Enter Cathy, who reveals that she earned an honorary doctorate stripped from Bill Cosby after giving the commencement address at the University of Pittsburgh.

Meet Doctor Dean Cathy Munsch, the founder of Caregivers United In Restorative Ediology aka C.U.R.E, the hospital built on the remains of Our Lady of Perpetual Suffering. Funded by Cathy’s publishing fortune, the institute is designed to cure the incurable.

And then the Chanels are mentioned. In court, the three girls are having an appeal hearing where Special Agent Denise Hemphill announces that the actual killer confessed. She produces a VHS tape recording in which Hester describes being the Red Devil, but knows that she can’t get in trouble for it because of Double Jeopardy. Denise explains that because Hester has never been tried for anything, it’s single Jeopardy.

Hester is dragged away by police.

Zayday Williams is approached by Munsch and asked to come work at the hospital. She’s in her first year of med school, trying to do something to help people after seeing so much death 2 years ago at Kappa House. Cathy tells her that she has a deeply personal reason for wanting the hospital to succeed. Zayday finally agrees.

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Miss Williams meets Brock, and notices the strange Frankenstein’s monster scar on his wrist. Holt was recruited after Cathy saw his spread in Playgirl, and Cascade sought Munsch out after seeing an interview with her.

 

Paging Doctor Hot…I mean Holt.

 

Someone finally asks about Brock’s hand, and he reveals that during a Super Bowl party he had an odd accident. During a sudden power outage while hosting a party for Super Bowl 49, Brock’s Harvard class ring slipped from finger and into the sink drain as he was washing dishes. Meanwhile, a friend turns on all the various switches in the house in frustration after the power loss. As he fished the ring from the garbage disposal, the power came back on, gorily slicing off his surgery hand. No! He gets a hand transplant, but no hospital will touch him….until Cathy comes calling.

Zayday pats Dr. Cascade on the back and realizes that he’s freezing cold.

“You’re like a block of ice.”

“I envy ice. At least if you give it warmth, it melts.”

Brock, Zayday and Cascade meet with Katherine, until Chamberlin Jackson barges in. He’s the cheerful, loud candy striper who tries to keep patient morale up. He gives Catherine two pink safety razors and she is horrified. Zayday asks her to stay for one week. During a private meeting with Cathy afterwards, she asks that the staff include more women, because the men have been pretty insensitive so far. Munsch settles on the perfect three ladies to be nurse’s aides.

Cut to Chanel Oberlin and her minions, Numbers 5 and 3, living far from the palatial environs of Kappa House in an apartment in the city. They were exonerated by an award-winning Netflix documentary after the incarceration of Hester, but not cleared of the charges of being monstrous human beings. Yep, the entire world hates The Chanels.

As they walk down the street, a passing driver hurls insults at them. They’ve been disowned by their families, but still graduated and got their degrees at a local community college. They decide to get jobs that will benefit society, so #5 becomes a dentist’s office receptionist, #3 goes to work mopping up ejaculate at a sperm bank and Chanel Oberlin gets a job as a certified phlebotomist. She loves working with blood.

As the trio hangs out in their cramped backyard, Cathy arrives with a job offer. #5 is terribly excited at the prospect of working at C.U.R.E, but Oberlin is a little wary. The former dean wasn’t exactly a friend to the Chanels at the height of their power.

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Zayday does laundry at the hospital in a super creepy basement. Enter the Chanels, as Zay screams in horror, thinking she’d left these horrid bitches back at college. (What? She ASKED for more female coworkers.) After a few minutes of adjustment, they actually hug. I mean, come on…they’re all old friends, right?

The girls are shown the locker rooms and given scrubs to change into. As they bicker, a shower curtain pulls back, revealing Dr. Brock Holt under the hot spray. Set to the 1989 hit song “The Look” by Roxette, the girls have an immediate reaction to Brock.

Chanel #3 shimmies, looking horny.

Chanel Oberlin immediately takes off her clothes and stands there in her underwear.

Chanel #5 stares in amazement, mouth open.

Brock flashes the girls a smile, and #5 notices an unmissable tattoo on his back. A large letter H against a red background. Harvard?

As Holt leaves, the girls learn their duties as medical students; they are to follow the doctors around and listen without directly participating. Zayday, the two doctors and the Chanels meet with Katherine. They may have discovered a way to cure her, thanks to Zayday’s research. The patient asks why she isn’t hearing this from Cassidey or Brock, and Dr. Cascade responds with this gem:

 

“I find that silence is the only appropriate response to the expanse of emptiness that stretches out before each and every one of us.”

 

Meanwhile, Brock is leaning over Katherine, texting. After she makes the mistake of questioning who the Chanels are, Katherine discovers how insensitive and shallow they are. She feels humiliated. Brock apologizes for them.

Zayday wants to drill a small hole in Katherine’s skull to access the front of her brain. To sell the patient on the idea, she holds up photographs of a typical hardware store drill and a hole. It doesn’t go over well.

Katherine eventually signs off on the procedure after Brock and Zayday comfort her and Chanel blurts out:

“Just sign it, Sasquatch.”

The Chanels meet Head Nurse Ingrid Marie Hoffel, who runs the administrative aspect of the hospital. She’s completely unimpressed by the new hires. It becomes clear in just a few minutes that she’s not someone to be trifled with.

Zayday and Cathy confront the Chanels about their rude comments towards patients. They are now on Academic Probation and must write an essay on bedside manner. Chanel O. believes the girls are now doctors and entitled to “doctor salaries.” She is informed otherwise, and this causes the girls terrible distress.

In the hospital dorms, Chanel hatches a plan to become television doctors like Dr. Oz. She wants to be a special medical correspondent for Fox News, and there’s only one way to start down that road; figure out a cure for the Werewolf Girl before Zayday.

Brock and Chanel have a brainstorm over Katherine’s issue. As they literally get closer, Brock’s surgically restored hand is subtly trying to strangle Chanel. He realizes what Katherine’s problem really is and bursts in to the operating room to stop the procedure. And Chanel gives Dr. Holt a new nickname…Dr. Hot.

The cure is successful, but Katherine loses all her hair, including her eyebrows. So the Chanels go into Makeover Mode, armed with cosmetics, fake lashes and a wig, as well as a new outfit.

 

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The Chanels are triumphant!

Cathy is excited at the success of their first case. Academic Probation has been repealed.  #5 is assigned the graveyard shift because #3 has a date with Cassidey and Chanel is going out with Brock.

In the Hydrotherapy rooms, #5 locks Katherine into a steel tub full of churning hot water. She then climbs into a second tub and moronically locks herself in, trapping them both.

 

“Did you just lock YOURSELF in? How are we gonna get outta here?”

 

#5 isn’t particularly worried, until the door creaks open and a costumed figure enters. Clad in the green monster suit and cape worn by Dr. Mike in 1985, and dripping glowing slime, the Green Meanie turns on a nearby vinyl record player and dances with his awesome looking machete/cleaver hybrid before menacing the girls and decapitating Katherine.

 

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Her severed head lands on Chanel #5’s tub top. As Five screams, the blade is lifted high and slams down again.

The season begins with great potential, particularly with John Stamos and Taylor Lautner turning in hilarious performances as the off-kilter docs, and Kirstie Alley’s no bullshit head nurse Ingrid. The killer’s suit reminds me of a green version of the Wishmaster in horned Djinn form, but I like the Scooby Doo-esque villain look and the dripping slime. More laughs and blood to come!

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About Brundlefly Joe

Brundlefly Joe has acted in a few zero budget horror films, including playing the amazing Victim #2 in the short film “Daisy Derkins, Dogsitter of the Damned! (2008).” He has been busy creating film submission for Project 21 and other Philadelphia based film groups.

Joe went to college for Film and Animation, and has made several short animation and film pieces. He loves to draw and paint and read; sometimes the same time! His passions include 1980’s slasher movies, discovering new music, gobbling up Mexican food, buying stuff on Amazon, chilling with his lovely cat, watching movies involving Marvel superheroes, playing video games and cooking. He loves to cook. Like, a lot. Seriously. Brundleflies have four arms. He can cook two different dishes at the same time. He’s great to have at parties. Just don’t ask him to tenderize your food. He might get the wrong idea and go all Cronenberg on your plate.

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