We pick up at the open casket funeral of Sonya aka Chanel #2, whose dying wish was to be cremated and shot into space. Each surviving Chanel and the reverse brilliant Chad Radwell say their goodbyes to their former friend, with varying degrees of warmth. And with Chanel presiding over the event, you know the eulogy is gonna be special.
“We are gathered here today because a backstabbing little bitch got exactly what was coming to her. This dumb dead whore used her high ponied wiles to seduce my man into rubbing uglies with her. So I hope you all grasp the concept that this is what happens when you rub uglies with my man. You end up dead. So have fun being dead, Number 2. You were a stupid little trollop and I hope you’re burning in Hell right now. Amen.”
Back at the Kappa Kappa Tau mansion, Chanel is consumed by frustration and anger over the affair between her beloved Radwell and the dearly departed Sonya. And the other Chanels aren’t making it any better. Number 5 suggests using a talking board (aka Ouija Board) she found in the dreaded Kappa basement to summon Sonya’s spirit so that Chanel can work out their issues from beyond the grave.
“Those things don’t work.”
“Yes, they do. Didn’t you see the movie?”
“The movie Oujia? No. No one did.”
The girls finally agree to have a Chanels Only Night in which they will attempt to open a line of communication with Chanel #2. They order duck sauce to dip cotton balls into and get ready to have spooky fun.
The spirit board warns Chanel Oberlin that Chad is cheating on her again, infuriating her.
Meanwhile, at Gigi’s apartment, the National President of KKT is busy preparing dinner when she gets a call from one of the Red Devils. Gigi expresses her disappointment with the killers, especially over the kidnapping of Zayday. Although she instructed one of the killers to kill the other over his mistakes, this still hasn’t happened and Gigi wants to know why.
“We are not kidnappers. We are murderers hellbent on revenge. I told you this. That is our brand and if he’s messing with it, he has to go.”
Wes walks in and Gigi cuts the conversation short.
“I have to go. Now will you please go kill some people.”
The next day, Grace takes Gigi shopping for clothes that weren’t made in 1993. She begins to look like a modern woman. During the trip, Gigi brings up the investigation Pete and Grace have been conducting and mentions former Kappa sister Feather McCarthy and her involvement with a scandal linked to Cathy Munsch. Rather than demonizing Feather, she says that Grace should find out her thoughts on Dean Munsch.
Back at the KKT house, Pete and Grace meet with the spritely but none too brainy Feather, who explains that two years ago she fell for Dean Munsch’s husband, whom was Beatles professor on campus. In a hilarious series of flashbacks, we see the extremely unattractive Dr. Stephen Munsch performing Fab Four hits on his acoustic guitar while Feather admires him with adoring eyes.
They begin an affair and the good Doctor asks for a divorce from his wife. She throws various objects at him, shattering the glass of her office door.
Dr. Munsch is kicked out of the house and somehow moves into Kappa house, because that makes perfect sense. As he is busy trying to fit in amongst the sisters, Cathy shows up wearing the same outfit that Feather has on and holding a machete. In an upstairs bathroom, Feather is applying lipstick when she spies Dean Munsch in the mirror, dressed identically and shooting eye daggers at her.
Munsch kicks Feather out of Kappa house, spurring Dr. Munsch to move in with her off campus. While taking a bath one day and listening to the radio, Feather is nearly killed when an unseen woman pushes the radio into the tub. Pete points out that the former Dean (the one before Cathy Munsch) died after a transistor radio was dropped in his tub.
Feather agrees to go on record against Cathy. Later that night, she comes home to a bloody sight that would terrify anyone with a greater intellect.
“Hey honey, did you spill ketchup on the floor in the shape of an arrow?”
On the stairs, she sees a severed hand with pointing fingers and the bloody words “This Way.”
At the top of the steps is a foot nailed to a door over the words “Step This Way!”
Following the gruesome signs urging her onward, she comes to the bedroom she shares with Dr. Stephen Munsch. On the door are the words “Just A Head.”
Inside the room in an aquarium, Stephen’s severed head stares at Feather with sightless eyes.
At the domain of the Dickie Dollar Scholars, Chanel arrives to see if Chad is actually cheating on her. She finds him in bed, shirtless, cradling a small black goat named Randi. It doesn’t look good for the Radwell.
It turns out that he is lactose intolerant and only able to drink lactose free goat milk. So he obtained a female Non-Human Helper Companion. But before he can milk her, he must first relax her enough to be milked.
Chanel falls for this completely insane story.
In Cathy’s office, we find her injured and chatting with Detective Chisholm. She says that she had a few drinks too many at the local tavern The White Stallion and fell down a flight of stairs in her place.
“I’ve been to your apartment. You don’t have any stairs.”
It turns out the cops are pretty smart. Chisholm lays out a theory connecting Cathy to the Red Devil murders and the horrific death of her ex-husband the night before.
Cathy thinks it’s a joke until backup officers with a straitjacket appear and help Cathy into the restraining garment. Because the Red Devil is so dangerous, the police aren’t taking any chances. Cathy is walked out past press, angry parents and Feather, who glares at her.
Pete and Grace build floor plans of each murder site and try to connect Munsch to them all.
Although Grace is temporarily stymied by the fact that the during the attack on Gigi and Wes at the KKT house, Munsch came down the steps as the Devil fled.
Pete points out that there are two costumed killers. While one is dressed up in the costume, the other is free to appear as a potential target.
Pete also drafts the awesome headline: “Cops Finger Dean Munsch.”
Grace gets a phone call as the pair celebrate their sleuthing victory. It’s Cathy, calling from the mental institution. She wants to see them both.
At the asylum, they find Cathy sketching designs for formal wear and relaxing. She loves the stress free environment and psych meds. She points out another patient who regularly paints portraits of patients and visitors. She paints them all.
Hmmm, foreshadowing much?
Cathy wants the pair to investigate Feather as both her ex-husband’s killer and the Red Devil, but she slips up, saying that she didn’t trust Feather since the night she saw her in the bathtub…when Feather was nearly electrocuted.
Cathy offers a deal. In exchange for incriminating evidence on Feather, she will explain what became of the famed Kappa baby. Quid pro quo.
As they are about to leave, Munsch is served a bologna sandwich for lunch and rejects it. Turns out she can’t eat meat containing sulfites or she’ll go into anaphylactic shock. This becomes a huge clue in about three minutes.
The mysterious woman who “paints them all” presents Grace and Pete with a beautiful oil painting of themselves.
Pete obtains crucial crime scene photos of the Stephen Munsch murder using his press connections. One of the photos shows a half-eaten sandwich. It was found near Munsch’s body and covered in blood. Investigators surmised that the killer made a bologna sandwich after killing Stephen, took a bite and discarded it. Since the Dean can’t eat deli meats, she can’t be the killer, right?
The pair set off to get a sample of Feather’s DNA from the crime scene to compare to the traces on the half-eaten sandwich.
Back at KKT house, the Chanels contact the spirit world once more using the talking board. Chanel #6 challenges the ghost of Sonya to reveal how many tampons are in 6’s purse, and the board responds correctly with nine.
The girls begin to believe in the powers that lie beyond death.
Chanel Oberlin asks #2 who is killing everyone on campus, and the board responds: “You Are.”
Furious, Oberlin marches off, leaving Chanel #6 to try and convince the others to kill their Kappa co-president. She’s too dangerous to live. The three Chanels discuss methods of murder, including:
- Poisoning her bras and waiting until she sweats so the poison can soak in through her nips.
- Crushing a bunch of diamonds and throwing a Sugar Party, where everyone eats bowls of sugar except Chanel, who will be unwittingly consuming diamond fragments that slice open her internal organs.
Oberlin shows up looking for Prune X laxative to help her sleep. As she goes to bed, the three Chanels agree to murder their leader after she is unconscious. In a Prune X delirium, Chanel has a vision of Sonya in her bedroom.
Chanel #2 apologizes, and describes her afterlife burning in the fiery pits of Hell.
“Despite what you’ve heard, Hell sucks. It’s not fun. Yes, there are waterslides but they’re lined with razor blades and you splash down into pools of boiling pee. Also, there are zero dinosaurs.”
“There’s no dinosaurs?”
“No. As soon as I got there, I was like where are all the dinosaurs? And they were like Jesus broke in and stole them.”
We learn that Carl Sagan presides over Hell and that Sonya must spend eternity picking food from the beards of Saddam Hussein’s sons. Sonya used the talking board to implicate Chanel as the killer because she was in a bad mood as she was getting motor boated by Adolf Hitler.
Sonya reveals that the other Chanels are coming to murder Miss Oberlin with a bowling ball that very night, and that Chanel must stand up and be the leader the girls need.
Grace and Pete obtain Feather’s DNA from a toothbrush and give it to the cops. It matches the sandwich DNA perfectly. Feather is arrested and the Dean is released. Turns out Feather ran a blog which described her fetish for Bologna, specifically, for someone pronouncing the word the way it’s spelled.
Chanel explains to her minions that she knows about the murder plot and tells the girls about her Prune X fever dream the night before. She forgives them and presents them with gifts.
“Nancy Drew-looking sleeping caps and enormous magnifying glasses.”
It’s time for the Chanels to turn detective. Chanel doesn’t believe for a second that Feather killed anyone.
“She’s too stupid. When I first met her, she asked me what my name was and then she asked me what her name was.”
Chanel believes that Zayday and Grace are the Red Devils.
Home again, Dean Munsch dances with a glass of wine. She’s feeling great, having just used Grace and Pete to send Feather to prison for a murder she didn’t commit. Dr. Stephen Munsch was slain and dismembered by Cathy herself, hoping that the hubbub over the Red Devil killings would conceal her own crime.
In a flashback, she dumps Stephen’s head in the fish tank. Using our very own Bloody Whisper chattery teeth mascot Chomper to take a bite out of a bologna sandwich, Dean Munsch then scrapes Feather’s toothbrush onto the bread.
In the past, Feather meets Dean Munsch for the first time and describes her enthusiasm for Bologna, Italy as a summer vacation spot. Cathy encourages her to start a blog about her love of Bologna in exchange for course credit. Sly!
We see a straitjacketed and terrified Feather led into a plexiglass cage.
Meanwhile, Zayday and Grace come home to Kappa house chatting happily while the newly formed Chanel Detective group watch silently from the stairs.