Shut your Whore Mouth about Ghostbusters 3 Being a Bad Movie(s)!

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The latest buzz around the interboner has been about the “Ghostbusters 3” movie, and the franchise’s subsequent reboot or re-imaginaning or re-re-Reeboking or whatever those cray cray kids are calling it this week/day/minute/second.

Oh man, there’s some awesome fun times headed toward us! Some of you might take this as a sign that there is, in fact, a Satan and/or God, possibly both. But you’d be wrong. So very, very wrong. There is no mastermind of dark paranormal power in control of the world. There is no Satan, there is only Feig! (See what I did there? *wink*)

 

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Ghostbustiers now with 100% more bewbs!

 

For those of you who don’t know or who may have been living in a cave for the past six months, Paul Feig has been slated to direct the 2016 release of “Ghostbusters 3.” Yep, that’s right. Another Ghostbusters movie is coming out; this time, the main characters are all chicks. Woo!

 

 

This is 26 years after “Ghostbusters II.” 26 years! Genius marketing move there guys!

 

Feig is an actor/producer that has also directed a ton of crap, such as “The Heat”, “Bridesmaids”, “People in New Jersey” and “Spy.” You may be saying to yourselves, “It’s just a 3rd Ghostbuster film-by-Feig feature. He makes chick flick comedy movies, so it makes sense, I guess.”; meaning, a bunch of obnoxious twits on film doing stupid insipid, vapid things that have no true meaning or value.

So, what’s the big deal?

Funny you should ask.

You see, Feig is a troll. Yep. That’s right. He’s an internets troll. He wants to drum up controversy  via tumblr™ by stirring up the dander of Third-Wave Feminists and nerds who never touched a boob in their life because their mamas wouldn’t even let them breastfeed when they were babies. As we all know, controversy is the key to free and frequent advertising. If people are talking about your film, they’re sharing links about it on every freaking single social site that they’ve plugged themselves into and getting the word out that you’re making a Ghostbusters movie.

That’s publicity that you get for free! It’s effortless advertising that doesn’t cost your company a single dime. Just give a few sentences to Entertainment Tonight or whomever and let the shit hit the fan. After that people won’t stop talking about your movie until about a month after it’s released into theaters. You know, the same thing that happened when “Fifty Shades of Crap” hit the big screen.

 

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So, you wanna go get some Chinese food after the movie, or go get drunk and laugh about how everyone was wrong about “Ghostbusters 3?”

 

 

Unfortunately, we all knew this was coming. Harold Ramis’ death even coincidentally  set the tone for the hot semi-chunky shit that would begin to slither from deep within Hollywood’s remake bowels. (Poor Mr. Ramis. May you rest in peace you hilarious bastard.)

 

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If you think that your colon is haunted, call 555-2368

 

 

Now at this point you might think I’d make a distasteful joke about how when Harold Ramis first heard the news about the new Ghostbusters movies, that his body somehow spontaneously imploded leading to his untimely death.

 

I am The Gatekeeper!

 

 

But I won’t. That wouldn’t be the truth. The truth is that a day after the movies were announced, while Ramis was trying to order a nice bathroom mat with little clown fishes from that Pixar movie out of a Finger Hut catalog. Do we use Finger Hut anymore? No? OK, he was on Amazon.com, and that’s when his brain suddenly realized that there was going to be a video game made from these horrible remake films. That’s when his body decided it didn’t want to be associated with the unholy filth that would be blasted into young children’s eye sockets from their shiny new gaming consoles and he moved on to another plane of existence that exists outside of our own reality.

Why did it do that? Because it recalled all of the horrible video games that were made from a glorious franchise and turned its memory into dog poop.

Can you imagine the crap games that they’re going to make from “Ghostbusters 3?”

 

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This is the actual ending of the original Nintendo “Ghostbusters ” game made by Activision. Can you believe this shit? It’s written in fucking Engrish.

 

Let’s go down the list of all the crappy games that they’ve already made for the Ghostbusters franchise:

  1. Ghostbusters  (1984) for NES made by Activision
  2. Ghostbusters (1985) for Commodore 64 by Activision- of which Ernie Hudson (Winston Zeddemore) said in a 2010 interview with Eurogamer.net,  “My kids really hated that. They thought it sucked. When it’s your movie and your kids are saying, ‘Dad, this game really sucks,’ it’s kind of… Hmm.” Our thoughts exactly Mr. Hudson!
  3. The Real Ghostbusters Arcade Game (1987) by Data East, based on the eponymous cartoon series. In this one up to three people could play at the same time! Wow! This game was later imported to the Amiga in 1989.
  4. Ghostbusters II (1990) for NES by Activision- utterly impossible to play.
  5. New Ghostbusters II  (1990) by HAL Laboratory for NES/Gameboy PAL region only
  6. Ghostbusters (1990) for Megadrive/Genesis by Compile. WTF is Compile?
  7. The Real Ghostbusters  (1993) for Gameboy by Kemco. Based on Kemco’s “Crazy Castle” game mechanics. Yay.
  8. Extreme Ghostbusters  (2001) for Gameboy Color by Light and Shadow Productions, based on the eponymous cartoon.
  9. Extreme Ghostbusters: Code Ecto-1 (2002) for Gameboy Advanced by Light and Shadow Productions
  10. Extreme Ghostbusters: The Ultimate Invasion (2004) for PlayStation by Light and Shadow Productions. It’s like “Time Crisis” with ghosts and proton packs. Whoop-de-freaking-doo
  11. Ghostbusters (2006) for mobile phones by Sony Pictures. It has no references to the movies or the original games. It just uses the theme song. *slow golf clap* Well done!
  12. Ghostbusters: The Video Game (2009) for PC, Wii, Xbox 360, PlayStation 2 and 3, PlayStation Portable and Nintendo DS by Vivendi Universal. OK. This one is actually a really good game, so it gets a pass.  It’s considered to be the spiritual 3rd movie by all the fans, and has all the original actors doing the voices, so it’s doubly awesome in our book. 
  13. Ghostbusters: Sanctum of Slime (20011) “Busting feels good” for Xbox 360, Playstation 3, and PC by Atari
  14. Ghostbusters: Paranormal Blast (2012) Augmented Reality game for iPhone by XMG Studio. It was such a flop, that no one has even heard of it.
  15. Ghostbusters Mobile app (2013) for, you guessed it, all smart phone devices by Beeline Interactive. Another POS that no one has ever heard of!

That’s right! 15 games from only two movies and two cartoon series! And only one of them is good! Woooo!

This is the real damage that subsequent remakes/reboots/re-re-Reeboks will do to the Ghostbuster franchise. You can take those numbers and multiply them by 10. Because that’s how many games they’re going to try to make until they’ve milked that cash cow completely and udderly dry. (Heh. Cows. Udders.)

Stop bitching about reverse gendered Ghostbusters! Seriously!  You all need to shut your gaping head holes about these movies and think of the children! There will be games made from these films! Games that will lay at the bottom of the discount bins at game stops everywhere; waiting for some poor kid to think it might be fun to try out that Ghostbusting game. Except it won’t be fun. It’ll be a chunk of steaming goat shit; 35 feet long and weighing approximately 600 pounds. That’s a big shit.

 

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This Gameboy Mega Man game was sooo totally awesome. Where’d I leave that joint?

 

 

Want to know what’s even worse than the all female cast Ghostbuster movie? Channing Tatum is going to make another reboot of the GB movies at the same time! The SAME TIME! Who does that? Who allows someone to make a franchise movie that directly competes with itself? It’s like building two Starbucks on the opposing corners of a busy intersection! One of them is going to get more foot traffic than the other, and neither will be making enough money to stay open.

There’s going to be at least two (or more) of these new shitty Ghostbuster movie games out at the same time; causing young children to go sterile and never be able to have long fulfilling relationships with other human beings.

You have all failed the children! Don’t you see? We need to be protesting the line of crap games they’re planning on making. Not the stupid movies that they’re about to start filming. It’s not the movies that are the real danger here. It’s the games!

If we start digging a large hole somewhere in the Nevada desert now, we may be able to bury these things and save our children. But only if we get to it before the movies come out!

 

diggin

Yeah, those new Ghostbuster games will fit in here. We’ll put them right next to the giant mound of Atari ET games.

 

 

On a more serious note, we totally respect Harold Ramis and his legacy. We would like to encourage you to donate to the Vasculitis Foundation to help research and find a way to stop the horrible inflammatory disease that caused Mr. Ramis’ untimely demise.

We miss you big guy. You lit up the world and made us all laugh by pointing out just how ridiculous humanity can be.

Any amount that you can contribute would be greatly appreciated, and you have our heartfelt thanks for contributing to a foundation that is working on a worthwhile endeavor to make people’s lives better.

You can donate here http://www.vasculitisfoundation.org/donate/

 

Oh yeah, one more thing before I go.

Egon was the best Ghostbuster. There, I said it. You’re welcome.

Krotar the Barbarian is a potato, or quite possibly a meat sack being piloted by a potato. We’re still not quite sure on this one. When not staring at a computer screen for days at time until his eyes bleed, he is busy pointing out the hilarity of mankind, in all its craptastic glory. 

 

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One Comment

  1. Apparently the Channing Tatum movie will occupy a Shared Cinematic Universe as the all female version. Bleh. Ghostbusters 2 was proof enough that the original film was great but should be left alone.

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